Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Editing services for AMCAS

I want to show some examples of how much my AMCAS statements improved with the help of an editor. The before statement is exactly what I sent off, and the after statement is really close to the final product on my AMCAS. If you want to see what I put on my AMCAS click here. I will be the first to admit that writing and creativity are one of my weakest skills.

This is my dad's handiwork. He doesn't guarantee grammatical accuracy (he uses spell check), but for a small fee, he will edit your work. E-mail Bob at
SOFRONIN@GMAIL.COM

Before: Personal Statement
“Tree burn” is one of the few reasons that I know that I want to be a doctor, although I have only recently learned about tree burn and my interest in medicine began at a much earlier age. In elementary school, my mother bought a memory book that I was to fill out at the end of every school year. One of the questions in this book was the age old “What do you want to be when you grew up?” There were several boxes that you could check. Of course, doctor was one of the choices. I never picked that one. I always picked “model/actress.” I come from a family of beautiful women, and this seemed the natural choice. I didn’t start thinking of a career in medicine until I went to my pediatrician’s office. It was a magical place. The walls were beautifully painted, toys everywhere, a playground outside. As I grew older, I began to see the service that my doctor provided, her knowledge coupled with the ability to ease minds while still doing her job, and I respected her for the knowledge she possessed and the job she loved. The older I become, the more I realized that I was never going to grow past the five feet that I had achieved, and I was always going to be a little on the chubby size, so I would probably not make a very good model. I have other attributes including patience, intelligence and willingness to serve which has allowed me to know that I would make an excellent doctor.
Back to tree burn, tree burn is like carpet burn except that it occurs after you have hugged a tree through a hurricane in order to survive. I saw too many people with tree burn when I rode out hurricane Katrina at Memorial Hospital in Gulfport, MS. I regularly work the hurricane crew, as I am one of the few people in my department that do not have children. I left my home on Sunday with three pairs of scrubs and toiletries, and the biggest worry on mind was the MCAT that I had taken only eight days before (and how I was going to be able to wait for my scores to come out). By the next morning, I was moving patients from their rooms into the hallways as the windows began blowing out of their rooms. I helped nail doors shut, calm fears, and assisted the other medical staff. We waited together. I do not remember feeling scared. I was busy attending to the people who needed my help. When the wind died down enough and the windows were boarded, I began to clean until we could move patients into their rooms again. My assistance was then needed in the emergency department where they wanted any techs that could be of assistance. My first trip outside of the hospital was when a dump truck pulled up to the ambulance bay and the driver let the rear gate down and over twenty people stepped out of the back. I helped to treat minor lacerations to children who had been submerged in the water for long periods of time as they waited to be rescued. Our discharged patients and newly homeless people where beginning to become restless as they waited together in a makeshift shelter. I helped to wrap food to feed them. I passed out colors and stickers and offered kind words. By Wednesday, the hospital was running short of generator fuel. I found myself in a pitch-black hallway at 1AM just having finished taking a shower. Once again I was whisked off to be of assistance to other departments, first ER then ICU, only this time, I was in my pajamas. Wednesday afternoon I was afforded my first opportunity to return to my home. When I arrived, my house looked perfect, but I was only able to push the door open a crack to see that my home was flooded and that most of my belongings would be forever lost. I did not even try to go inside. I shut the door and returned to work. I realized that I was very fortunate to have a job in a hospital that served people, a job that I truly love.

After:
Click here.

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Before: Quote from The University of Southern Mississippi’s website: "The Department [of Biological Sciences] recognized 9 or our graduating seniors at our Spring Reception – students who distinguished themselves not only academically but also through their other achievements while attending Southern Miss."

After: I am one of nine graduating seniors to receive the Biological Sciences Distinguished Senior award. The award recognizes students who have distinguished themselves not only academically but also through other achievements while attending the University of Southern Mississippi. The department faculty nominated and voted for the seniors who received this award. I was honored to receive the recognition of my professors reflecting their awareness of my abilities and dedication over the years when I thought it had gone unnoticed.

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Before: (This paragraph had already gone through one edit, but I needed to add more) I tutored elementary school first graders at Grigg's Elementary School where I listened, corrected and encouraged the children as they read stories to me. It was an endeavor requiring focus and patience on my part, and I learned, through teaching, the principles underlying the development of reading skills. My greatest satisfaction came in seeing the glow of happiness and success on their faces when they realized they could actually read. I felt pride in knowing I helped secure a better future for them, as they became better readers.

Some things that you could possibly add to the above paragraph are…
This was part of a college work-study program. I learned that teachers/educators put in a lot of hours outside of the classroom in order to help the children learn. I had to learn to distance myself from the students because you become attached to them and very interested in what happens to them when they are at home. I saw children from abusive homes, children with absentee parents, children who wore dirty clothes to school. I admired the students who were quick learners and wanted my approval, but I enjoyed the slow learners who needed the most help even more. I enjoyed the challenge.

After: I tutored elementary school first graders as part of a college work-study program. My participation in this process took place at Grigg's Elementary School in Mobil ISD. There I listened, corrected and encouraged the children as they read stories to me. It was an endeavor requiring focus and patience on my part, and I learned, through teaching, the principles underlying the development of reading skills. I also learned that teachers/educators put in many hours of preparation outside the classroom preparing lesson plans and materials in order to help the children learn. Perhaps my most telling lesson learned was to distance myself from the students because you become attached to them and very interested in what happens to them when they are at home. I saw children from abusive homes, children with absentee parents, children who wore dirty clothes to school. I admired the students who were quick learners and wanted my approval, but I enjoyed the slow learners who needed the most help even more. I enjoyed the challenge. My greatest satisfaction came in seeing the glow of happiness and success on their faces when they realized they could actually read. I felt pride in knowing I helped secure a better future for them, as they became better readers.

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Before: Biology is a field that presents many challenging, intellectual problems that provides the foundation to be able to study in any area of the life sciences. Every time I arrive in the lecture halls for the Biology Honor Society meetings, I find that I am awaiting a new journey into a world of discovery. I knew that an undergraduate degree would allow me nearly limitless opportunities to continue to study and would provide me the foundation to work in any of the many fields that I feel would satisfy my desire to continue to learn and provide for a lifetime of enjoyment in a field that I always desire to know more.
The Biology Honor Society has given me a chance to grow outside of the classroom. It has opened me to the world of research that my professor’s live in. The honor society helped my own research experiences to blossom, as I have been able to interact with other students who have the same level of research experience.


After: Biology a field presenting many challenging, intellectual problems provides the basic foundation enabling one to study in any area of the life sciences. I knew an undergraduate degree would present me with nearly limitless opportunities for study and research. Biology provides me with the necessary foundation to work, and continue to learn, in any of the many fields I feel would satisfy my desire and passion to become a productive contributing member of society.
Every time I attend a Biology Honor Society meeting, I find myself experiencing a keen sense of expectation knowing I am about to begin another journey into the world of discovery. The Biology Honor Society has provided growth and experience far exceeding my expectations. The higher degree of detail and depth of study introduced me to the world of research my professor’s inhabit, and provided the impetus allowing my own research experiences to blossom. The field of study encompassed by the Biology Honor Society is so broad it fosters a sense of cooperation in the interactions of students with the same general levels of research experience.

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Before: While attending a Biology Honor Society meeting my senior year, I was approached by a professor who was active in the Roots and Shoots program at Hattiesburg High School. She wanted help in moving Roots and Shoots to USM. When she explained to me this was a program that inspired students to make a difference by becoming involved in their community, I was happy to help make Roots and Shoots a part of USM before I graduated. Along with a small group of founding members, I educated other student organizations and held informational meetings. I learned about the application process to charter an organization within the university and with the Roots and Shoots Foundation. This organization allowed me to strengthen my leadership abilities by providing leadership education through tutorials, online learning, and presentations.
Our Mission
To foster respect and compassion for all living things, to promote understanding of all cultures and beliefs, and to inspire each individual to take action to make the world a better place for people, animals, and the environment.
Our Goals
To implement positive change through active learning about, caring for, and interacting with the environment
To demonstrate care and concern for all animals
To enhance understanding among individuals of different cultures, ethnic groups, religions, socio-economic levels, and nations through our global communications network
To help young people develop self-respect, confidence in themselves, and hope for the future

After: While attending a Biology Honor Society meeting my senior year, I was approached by a professor, active in the Roots and Shoots program at Hattiesburg High School, seeking help to move Roots and Shoots to USM. Roots and Shoots is a program designed to inspired students to take action and involve themselves in making their community and the world a better place for people, animals, and the environment. I am proud I was able to help make Roots and Shoots a part of USM before I graduated. As one of the founding members, I held informational meetings for other student organizations to garner support for our efforts to implement positive change by actively learning about, caring for, and interacting with the environment. Perhaps the key component was our goal to help young people develop self- respect, confidence in themselves and hope for the future. Bringing Roots and Shoots to USM taught me the processes for making an application to charter an organization at the university and with the Roots and Shoots Foundation. This organization allowed me to strengthen my leadership abilities by providing education through tutorials, online learning, and presentations.

1 Comments:

Blogger Meg said...

Hey, hey! I know Hattiesburg well. I went to South (Mobile) and dated a guy working on his PhD at Southern Miss. Great place.

Saturday, February 25, 2006 at 8:12:00 PM CST  

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