Sunday, March 11, 2007

Old Friends...New Friends

One of the hardest things about leaving my med school class was leaving all the people that I had gotten to know. In the past month, I have tried hard to distance myself from them. I don't know if it is jealousy that they are still in school and I feel like I am being left behind or realizing that we don't really have anything in common other than being in the same class. I wonder if I would have ever been friends with some of the people that I know if we had met somewhere else.

On the other hand, I am a little nervous about starting with a new class. I have had my share of problems with my classmates that I don't want to repeat. It makes me wonder if I should just do my own thing without trying to make friends. I think it would make my life easier, but I wonder if I will be happy. I was hoping to make life long friends in medical school because I didn't do that in high school or in college. In high school, I had so many family members in town that I had built in friends. In college, I lived at home and commuted over an hour each way which inhibited the friend making process.

I have a lot of casual friends. People that I see regularly and know a good deal about without having to be emotionally invested in them. Having friends is hard work. Harder than I thought anyway. I always thought that I could be myself when I met people, but the people that I met in medical school didn't allow me to be myself. I always found that I was having to watch what I say because I might offend someone. I had to be overly nice if I wanted to keep my friends. I never thought that I would bend over backwards to try to have people like me. Most people like me superficially. I do tend to be happy and cheerful and smile at others. I am agreeable. Once I really got to know people, it was different. It is almost like being in a relationship. It was and is strange for me. I am almost afraid to make new friends.

There is only one person that I regularly talk to from school. Although we met before school started, we really didn't start getting to know each other until November. Our friendship started off slower, and we found more common ground than just school. I think our friendship will be lasting. We have gotten to know each other slowly. She has been my cheerleader, and I have told her things that I don't tell many people. She is not pushy and demands nothing of our friendship, and I don't feel like I have to pretend to be someone else when I talk to her. I guess out of 117 people, making just one true friend is okay if it is someone like her. There are other people that I talk to from school, but I still feel like I am stepping on eggshells or like they are not really interested in me but just talk to be nice to me. Hmmmmm....

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